Repeat after me (Grief revisited)

2015

in honor of my mother

When I heard the horrors, the story unspun
My weak heart stopped, I barely held on.
I hit the floor, tears blurring,
while I utterly lost all pretense of control..

in..out.. in out..
repeat, repeat,
In out, in out,
Repeat repeat

I stopped everything. being adult.. being anything
regrets, terror overwhelming my hatred ,
just for a moment..an hour.. a day
just attempting to remember how to breathe

in..out.. in out..
repeat, repeat,
In out, in out,
Repeat repeat

I stare in the mirror, and I see glimpses of your face
same eyes, blue fading in into gray,
same nose, same stubborn pride..
same backbone of steel.. forged in heat and pain

in..out.. in out..
repeat, repeat,
In out, in out,
Repeat repeat

Touching the old purple sweater, a left behind note
faded photograph, when we all had hope
still my hands shake, still I hide how I feel
and again, attempt to remember to simply breathe

in..out.. in out..
repeat, repeat,
In out, in out,
Repeat repeat

I still hold on to the lipsticks memories, teddy bears and heels
of me, scare beyond all knowledge, running up the stairs,
the mark across my face, a moment of anger as I screamed you never cared

in..out.. in out..
repeat, repeat,
In out, in out,
Repeat repeat

I remember the raging fights and the all too bright lights,
of things I wanted for me, the dreams you once held too high
all left, broken like china dolls, smashed childhood in on the floor

in..out.. in out..
repeat, repeat,
In out, in out,
Repeat repeat

Sometimes the blind terror sets in, sending me crying once again
the child I was, the adult I am.. praying someone give me hope
I go days..weeks..not feeling the loss, and then… there it is again
How I wish I knew someone to tell me how to cope

in..out.. in out..
repeat, repeat,
In out, in out,
Repeat repeat

forget me nots, yellow roses ..channel number five filling the air
her smile haunting me, we both were never perfect
She made mistakes..I made them too, one by one, and two by two
tears splashing down, regrets crowding closely now

in..out.. in out..
repeat, repeat,
In out, in out,
Repeat repeat

from time to time, I hear her voice
when the times get too dark, and I forget
“breathe.. everything will just be
That’s my girl, now..repeat after me:

in..out.. in out..
repeat, repeat,
In out, in out,
Repeat repeat

in..out.. in out..
repeat, repeat,
In out, in out,
Repeat repeat

 

 

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